So here’s Serenity in 2000 words or less. And yes, Joss Whedon is my master. Whedon, you magnificent bastard, I saw your movie! Again! Hi-larious. Lots of spoilers. But if you haven’t seen the movie by now, don’t worry, because I’m going to kill you.

HT: This guy

So you may whine that there’s been little good at the theater this year. The blockbusters barely demolished a mailbox, let alone a block. That is about to change. Why?

Because you are going to see Serenity, and you will love it. How do I know? I know you’ll love it because I’ve seen an advance screening. I know you will go and see it, because otherwise I will come to your house and kill you.

Now, I realize you may be saying, “Sandy, threats are not really an effective form of behavior modification, not to mention illegal.” And I grant you that, though I note that silly parody is generally given broad protections. But threats work. After all, Al Quaeda managed to make Spain leave Iraq by just blowing up a mere handful of people and threatening more. They managed to force a theocratic government on the US and removed most Constitutional freedoms from Americans just by threatening more acts of violence.

You may also be saying, “Sandy, more people will not see Serenity than you can kill, even if you were a hyper-efficient killing machine like Killdozer, who was so rad and cool and awesome in that one movie.” That is why I will immediately devote my life to two goals: achieving immortality and bringing back people from the dead.

Why? I will achieve immortality so I have an infinite amount of time in which to kill everybody who didn’t see Serenity. “Ah,” you object (rather ineffectually), “we’ll die of natural causes before you can kill us.” That is why I will learn how to bring back the dead: so I can kill you. Even dying won’t save you from being killed.

So you’ve been warned. Serenity is the coolest thing ever, and seeing it will make you forget how much you hate George Lucas. And it will prevent you from being brought back to life just to be killed again, so you’ve got that going for you.

And deep down, isn’t that what we all want? To not be brought back to life just to be killed because we didn’t see a movie we should have seen anyway?

Judith Miller is indeed getting a cheap (for her, not for the taxpayers) “vacation” to the DC area, in what comes suspiciously close to a judicial attack on the First Amendment, and is certainly an example of the horrid perversion the Grand Jury provision in the Constitution (like the Commerce Clause or Public Use) has become.

But that doesn’t make the confluence of RSS ads any less darkly humorous.

Here’s a post immediately following the Raich decision by Fafnir, of Fafblog, demonstrating just how stupid Yglesias was to claim it would “make it harder to regulate giant corporations”.

“Insolent pot!” says Giblets. “Be more vendible!”

“Giblets why are you yellin at that pot plant?” says me.

“Giblets is trying to turn it into commerce,” says Giblets. “But buying and selling it is too much work. He wants it to be commerce NOOOOOWWW!”

“Silly Giblets, everything is commerce!” says me. “Let’s step into this maaaagical schoolbus and we will learn all about Our World Of Commerce!”

The comments, also, are worth reading:

You may be actually sitting on your front stoop basking in the gloriously warm rays of the sun. But is that really any different than exchanging money for goods and services at a tanning salon? No! The sun is a communist that undermines the tanning salon economy, and you, likewise are a communist.

This is one entry too funny by itself for spamusement to take on.

They could make it more believable by at least claiming that “hot t3acherz wil bee all over u!”

So you think that smart people are the ones filling the queues for Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith?

Au contraire, mon frere.

Two Star Wars fans are in a critical condition in hospital after apparently trying to make light sabres by filling fluorescent light tubes with petrol.

A man, aged 20, and a girl of 17 are believed to have been filming a mock duel when they poured fuel into two glass tubes and lit it.

OK. Let’s count the stupidity, shall we?

1. They were over 14, as my brother points out. Seriously. Get over it.
2. They were filming themselves without access to editing software that could have safely put it in later. This usually leads to stupidity and, as such, is considered evidence of stupidity itself.
3. They were dueling with glass tubes.
4. Let me re-emphasize: they were making sword play with glass tubes.
5. They decided, hey, let’s hold something fragile in my hand and bash it together, but that’s not stupid enough. I know, gasoline always makes for more stupid, and it’s all glowy!
6. Especially when you SET A FLAMMABLE SUBSTANCE ON FIRE IN A CONTAINED SPACE.

Sadly, they will probably live. Here we had a male and a female that needed to be taken out of the gene pool, all ready to do it and capture the act on film.

Fortunately, being the type who film themselves as Star Wars characters post-puberty, they will never reproduce.

…or why I would link to it, but I post it anyway.

Offended Listener Lawsuit Solicitation Ad

(PS – it’s a joke, in case you were wondering)

So that leaves me up at this hour, but fortunately I’ve taken time to watch the new Star Wars trailer out tonight, which looks like it has much improved acting and scriptwriting and even directing, though the production values don’t look as good as the other films.

Maybe I’ll actually see this one. Watch the trailer to see what turned me around.

fellow skeptic Wally.

I became suspicious when I cried over spilt milk and the cashier took it off my bill.

Brilliant.

For the really curious:

skeptic

(A skeptic is someone who critically evaluates claims, usually of the paranormal variety, though it can be applied to common truisms or, say, anything Johnny Chimpo says.)

Apparently, even Bill Gates can’t count on rock-solid XP performance.

Always remember to sacrifice to the demo gods. They can visit their anger on you even if you are worth more than, say, Luxembourg.