A Klansman Klaps for Kelo

“You know,” says kouncilman Klukker, “it sure had been hard fighting the NAACP trying to prove that a neighborhood with those people is blighted, no matter how high the median income or how little crack we were able to plant.” He stopped to light his fresh cigar with a lit copy of the Constitution. “It sure will be easier if I just say that the country club expansion with attached Wal-Mart will bring jobs and public use and leave the whole blight question out of it. Ain’t that right, boy?”

“Yassir, Mr. Klukker,” said Justice Stevens, from between the kouncilman’s legs. “I’m here to serve up good old-fashioned liberal values, just like Wilson. And I couldn’t be seen to be agreeing with libertarians.”

“Braak!” opined Atrios, from his cage. “Think if the Court had limited eminent domain instead! Then how would President Kucinich make everything perfect in America again, if he couldn’t force his political enemies out of their homes for any reason whatsoever? I just know he’ll be elected, if we can just abandon enough of our principles, except for the vote-losing ones!”

Kouncilman Klukker casually strangled the bird. “You’re right Atrios, but too noisy. Why can’t you be more like Marshall or Kos, making their noise outside, barking back and forth at Rove, who keeps pretending to throw sticks for them and calls them enemy coddlers? They sure are funny–they never learn that he’ll never give them a stick and just enjoys watching them froth at the mouths while he keeps stealing food from their dishes.”

“Gaak,” weakly muttered Atrios, “help me Yglesias!”

But Yglesias was carefully watching the Manichean nature of the moon, seeing what differences he could see between the light and dark sides.

“Braak,” offered Atrios apologetically, “you’re right; I should focus on the sideshow. Hey, isn’t it funny in Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy when they start tearing down Arthur’s house to build a bypass? I didn’t realize at the time I was laughing at Arthur instead of at the ludicrousness of his situation. Now the joke is even more funny! Thanks, Justice Stevens, it’s only through you that we protect poor people and get what’s funny about jokes about them.”

Stevens looked up and wiped a smudge off his nose. “Well, I figure that money given to Kouncilman Klukker will eventually do some good for some poor people, and if a few more poor people have to be thrown out of the homes they were born in 87 years ago, well, hell, I’m sure he has everybody’s best interests at heart. Since McCain-Feingold was passed, the money has gone right out of politics–hasn’t it? Besides, I can just claim it’s ‘federalist’ and that’ll cause Southerners to go along with it.” He looked up. “Say, Mr. Klukker, once I finish cleaning here, could you maybe change your mind about tearing down my mansion to build a McDonald’s and giving me thirty-five dollars for it? That was kind of my retirement nest-egg.”

“Shut up and put your tongue back there, bitch,” Klukker said with a tender smile. “Yeeeahp,” he sighed, farting comfortably. “With Republicans gaining at every level, I’m sure the politically-connected who will most influence the eminent domain process will be the poor, the unpopular, and the disenfranchised. Way to stick up for them, Stevens! I think I’ll have you use that federalist distinction to reinstate government-mandated separate lunch-counters next, just to see Atrios here spin himself into a pretzel trying to justify it as a good power that Hillary Clinton can use to ban smoking. Now make a little room for Justice Kennedy, because I like to have both ends taken care of while I’m opining on how much I care for stomping on the �ntermenschen, I mean, uh, helping out the less fortunate with an economic development scheme that coincidentally makes them go be poor and smelly and bl- I mean, uh, economically suboptimal somewhere else. Thanks for the assist in that, boys.”

Kouncilman Klukker settled back. “Now, lick harder, bitches!”

One thought on “A Klansman Klaps for Kelo

  1. Supreme’s Eminent Domain Ruling

    There are plenty of good analysis already on yesterday’s Supreme
    Court ruling strengthening eminent domain, in Kelo v. New London, a power granted in the
    Constitution that allows the goverment to seize private property.
    The power has been greatly e…


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