How to Write an Intelligent-Sounding Stupid Job Ad

A while back, Jason pointed to an exemplar stupid job ad (complete with the “rockstar” red badge of dumb). While perusing the JoelOnSoftware job ads, I found one that at first blush looked competent, but suddenly came into focus–like an optometrist showing you the difference between your old and new prescriptions–as a Big Dumb Job Ad. Let’s peruse, shall we? (And yes, after seeing this ad, there’s no way in hell I’d work for the place so I’m not afraid to name names).

We are seeking an experienced Webmaster

Let’s stop right there. “Webmaster” doesn’t necessarily imply dumb, but it should get your bullshit detector twitching. A Webmaster is a legitimate position for a large organization that needs a semi-technical person with management skills to set standards, marshal content, guide new initiatives, and be a central point of contact for administration of the organization’s web sites and applications. In 1997, they might have run the webserver and programmed things, too (I did this as late as 1999), but that hasn’t been the case for many years.

to join our Web Technologies team as the lead architect and technical administrator of USP’s web servers.

Oh, so you don’t mean Webmaster, you mean a combined Systems Analyst/System Administrator. OK, they’re expensive, but such people exist.

In this challenging position, the incumbent will provide technical leadership of the team’s web application development.

Wait, what? Now they’re supposed to be a Lead Programmer/Software Architect as well? Good luck with that.

On a daily basis, the Webmaster manages daily site operations and monitors server and site security.

We’re back to System Administrator, a full-time job at most places.

The Webmaster is also tasked with establishing site maintenance procedures, collecting site metrics, and performing full life-cycle development of all USP Web-based applications and product.

Wow, in one sentence they spec out what a good sysadmin should do and then roundhouse them in the head with, “Oh, did we say Lead Programmer? Try only programmer. On top of the full-time system administration. Plus you’ll probably be explaining metrics to management, a CTO-type job.”

Each one of those sentences is devoid of obvious red flags or glaring unfamiliarity with how web development is done and how servers are maintained. But combined they add up to stupid. For fun, let’s see what the candidate’s background should be to combine three or four full-time jobs into one. We start with the minimum requirements:

College degree in a related field (BS in Computer Science preferred) and 3-5 years of relevant experience in the design, configuration, operation and maintenance of Web systems architecture, security

So a middling-to-experienced system administrator with some systems architecture experience. OK.

and Web development projects.

Right. This person has also developed sites. There are a few such people out there, but as I said, they are rare and expensive.

The person must possess a high level of technical competence in UNIX, Solaris and Apache web server environments

A really experienced Sun sysadmin. Not cheap and tends to be a full-time job.

and have expert skills in standards-compliant HTML, CSS, JavaScript, Perl, PHP and MySQL.

OK, now the lack of actual knowledge starts to appear. “Standards-compliant” can modify both “HTML” and “CSS” and maybe even “Javascript” (but then you’d call it ECMAScript) but not really “Perl, PHP, and MySQL.” But the odds of someone being both a skilled Solaris administrator and an expert in both front and back-end web development…well, I’m sure there are two of those guys around, but they’re kinda busy at Google or possibly Sun.

Ideally the candidate should have familiarity with HTTP, HTTPS, DNS, TCP-IP, SMTP, Sendmail and related Internet protocols.

Oh, yeah, you’re a Networking Engineer, too. Sure, no problem.

Experience with Web 2.0 applications design techniques using Web standards, Web APIs, web services, Ajax, RSS and wikis is preferred.

Right, so that experience thing goes as far as being up on all the latest buzzwords and really advanced techniques that require a lot of study and usually a couple of specialized programmers. Sure.

Whew. Those were the “minimum.” Let’s see what those two guys at Google and Sun will have to do to break out of the pack (consisting of two people):

USP is a unique and exciting place to work and along with the minimum requirements above, if you are the “right” candidate, you must possess a desire to implement new structures and systems and be part of an evolving organization and growing team.

“USP” stands for “US Pharmacopoeia,” the people who manage “standards” for both Viagra (real drug, Bob-Dole-approved), and Mega-Dik (see your spam folder for more on this). I can see how that’s exciting, but why would you need a “team”? You’re doing it all yourself! Teams are for mortal organizations, not ones with huge phalluses that can go all night, baby.

You must be meticulous about details and be willing to develop tracking documents and training manuals on the website’s architecture.

Oh, right. Those 40 hours a week you were planning on using for sleep after your 90-hour workweek? Don’t bother. You’re also a technical writer and process manager.

You should have knowledge of full life-cycle development of web based applications as well as knowledge of cross-browser compatibility issues and techniques.

Aside from the fact that if they knew what they were talking about, instead of pulling phrases out of CIO Magazine, they’d know that these requirements were covered back in their minimums, you’re back to being both a back- and front-end developer in addition to the other six jobs you have.

If you like to work in a team based environment and be an “out of the box” thinker who is responsible for introducing and implementing new tools and applications, this opportunity is for you.

The “team” must be the seven different bosses you report to who will come down on you when, in a sleep-deprivation haze, you deploy a feature without a Form 27-J/19A part B, Form For Approval By Cross-Functional Web Content Feature Addition Approval Team For New Feature Deployment.

The article doesn’t mention salary, so I can only assume they’re talking well into six figures. I’m surprised they missed “ability to talk with the dead” and “walk on water” as “definite pluses.”

What’s amazing is that they managed to make sure each individual sentence, when they didn’t obviously combine two or three full-time jobs, look like they could conceivably come from someone who was familiar with web development. Usually it’s painfully obvious the job ad writer had to keep wiping the drool off the keyboard as they were typing.

Then again, smart people can believe in UFOs or that conservatives believe in limited government. Someone has convinced themselves that a magical pony who craps rainbow sherbet is flitting around a meadow somewhere thinking to itself, “You know, I think I’d rather have a government web job.” Either that or they’ve been sampling some of the product that failed testing.

The Shat Drips in Irony

That’s a video for those on an aggregator. I agree with the line, “May I call you George? You can call me ‘Mr. Shatner.'” Shatner knows how to take ham and make it fun. Lucas just calls it Jar-Jar and pummels you with it and revises his earlier stuff to make it suck more.

I Totally Spaced On Dying Today

I am on occasion forgetful, but you think I’d remember to do something really important, like die in a giant tsunami.

I have received information psychically, which is corroborated by scientific data, according to which on May 25, 2006 a giant tsunami will occur in the Atlantic Ocean, brought about by the impact of a comet fragment which will provoke the eruption of under-sea volcanoes. Waves up to 200 m high will reach coastlines located above and below the Tropic of Cancer.

Hmmm…well, all coastlines are either above or below the Tropic of Cancer. And a 200 meter wave would completely engulf Washington, DC. So I can’t believe I spaced on that!

According to informed sources, contacts in the American intelligence services confirm the existence of a time window of 48 hours, centered on May 25th at midnight GMT, for the impact a comet fragment south of the Azores.

This corroborates information of an evacuation exercise of the U.S. Congress to occur later in the day of May 25th, information which reached us this morning.

Er…didn’t make the papers. And since 24 hours before and after midnight May 25th GMT (totalling 48) have already passed, I’d say the most unusually–and, might I add, commendably–specific psychic prediction I’ve ever seen does not seem to have borne out.

Best of luck next time, guys! I’m sure the psychic thing will eventually be proved, probably 1e200000 years from now. On May 25. Around tea-time.