Who iz zis guy?

Who is Merritt Stone?!!?

Who is John Galt?

Who is that one guy who does those commercials and appears as a guest part in all those sitcoms?

I can’t help you with any of these questions, and I’m not even sure I can answer the question:

WHO IS SANDY SMITH?

Animated Sandy

This is how I used to look.

While it’s tempting to answer “Well, he’s just zis guy, you know?” that would be stealing from three different sources before I got into the body of this bit, with only one of my own to balance it off, so I won’t.

Instead, I’ll reveal the shocking truth that he is not really from South Carolina!! (Actually, I was born in the mountains of Virginia in the city hospital in Waynesboro and no, I don’t know the room number or anything like that, so why don’t we get off this parenthetical remark and back to the main text?)

The black sheep scion of a family of physicists and a horticulturist, hedescended into the depths of the humanities department, where heannexed degrees in unrelated fields without any strenuous objections of senior faculty, a priest, and several social workers!

Meanwhile, at age six, though before the aforementioned events, he was transported across state lines before the age of informed consent mainly because his parents didn’t need it and besides his dad was told his job was moving to Camden, South Carolina and if he didn’t move he would be unemployed and starving in a poorhouse! This move turned out to be less than ideal and will someday likely result in a lawsuit as I was denied access to educational opportunities of a national standard which can be said to have been caused by corporate and governmental collusion!However, this is mainly because South Carolina is one of the last places for textile manufacture and its public schools are dangerously substandard, which is really odd if you consider that the governor that presided over this massive failure has been promoted to high governmental office, namely the head of the Department of (Public) Education (DOPE), by our current President. But then increasing numbers of Americans can’t find the US on a map, so that’s notreally a surprise, is it?

Perhaps from the trauma of being forced to sit in sweltering rooms against his will while being brainwashed with government thought-control otherwise known as “lessons,” hedeveloped bizarre obsessions primarily having to do with science fiction, progressive rock, that one girl in marching band, and otters, though the last two may be exaggerated or complete lies!

Maturing none too rapidly, he ventured on to study composition at the University of South Carolina School of Music, where he spent his time making music bymanipulating mysterious electronic devices of foreign origin, mainly Japanese synthesizers. Exhibiting extreme agitation over the vagaries of the music industry and the soullessness of Academic Bebop, he made a sudden change and added a fifth year to his undergraduate degree to pick up a minor in International Relations, where he commenced to make straight A’s.

Taking the hint, he applied to several institutions associated with internationalist organizations who may or may not own “black helicopters” otherwise known as IR departments of universities, and was accepted by a few. He chose to remain at South Carolina and began to make unofficial trips to formerly communist countries! Indeed, after his degree he spent a year out of contact with mainstream authorities in the US by undergoing a study abroad course near the site of a concentration camp at the home of an admitted NAZI, that being Kraków, Poland, where Hans Frank had his summer cottage during the occupation, which is now taken for use by a strangely-named foreign institution, as the Jagiellonian University doesn’t exactly roll of the tongue, does it?

Suddenly resurfacing in old haunts as international air travel is cheap, quick, and safe despite recent news reports (well, OK, it really isn’t cheap) and his parents still insist on living in a den of inbred, insular people cut off from mainstream society, that being Camden, South Carolina, he began hunting for a job and constructed this Web page. Ducking further inquiries, especially those about how he was going to interview for jobs at such a distance, he again crossed state lines in the process of moving to Fairfax, Virginia, and then rapidly changing locales again to Alexandria, VA, where he now resides, working for an Inside-the-Beltway Organization in cohorts with the Government, it being a contractor. Further details were “unavailable,” a very convenient term which should be viewed with appropriate skepticism, which is to say none, you inquisitive so-and-so.

Note: If you are offended by my comments on South Carolina education or the “city” of Camden, move.

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