Group Pizza Behavior

I can’t count the number of times this scenario has happened to me in a group lunch setting.

Random Person: “Let’s get Pizza! What would everybody like?”

Me: “Just a plain pepperoni is fine.”

Significant Majority of Group Who are Posers, All Together, As If I’d Just Suggested A Dog Feces Plus Small Baby Limbs Pizza: “EWWW!”

Vegetarian Poser: “I know! Let’s get a pizza with Arugula, Capers, Endives, Shiitake Mushrooms, and Tofu!”

Remaining Posers Who Wish to be Seen as Veggie Friendly: “YUM!”

One Meat Eater: “I don’t care if it has mushrooms and onions, as long as there’s one with sausage or something.”

Me: “I really don’t like veggies on my pizza, can we just have one plain cheese or something?”

Head Poser, Sighing Exasperatedly: “Fine. We’ll get the baby his Pepperoni.”

Time Passes and People Get Hungry. The pizzas arrive, with the pepperoni on top. Everyone crowds around, blocking me from getting to them. All demolish the first pizza and proceed to eat. I open the second pizza.

Me: “WTF? This is that Arugula and Crap, and the other is the Veggies Plus Token Meat. What happened to the Pepperoni and the plain cheese?”

Vegetarian Posers: “Oh, really? This is pepperoni? We were just hungry. You can have all the others, though, we’re full. Yum, this is good pizza!”

The moral of this story is: Everybody just likes pepperoni pizzas, no matter how much they make claims to the contrary, and even vegans just eat plain cheese and leave the veggie shit for last. Nobody really likes veggies on their pizza, but everybody thinks they do. Except me.

6 thoughts on “Group Pizza Behavior

  1. Last Friday we had a goodbye party for a research assistant and they ordered pepperoni, cheese, Hawaiian, and veggie pizza. If I remembered correctly the Hawaiian was actually the first one gone. Maybe the group of female that I work with composes of breeds of people? Or maybe meat and fruit be the answer šŸ™‚


  2. Maybe it only occurs when I’m in the group. However, it has been elevated to the status of a physical law.

    When I am present in the group, everyone will go for all meat before they go for meat plus veggie.

    Thus it is written.

    Ginger has offered to pay me $5 if she takes meat only before meat plus black olive. I await similar offers from those who claim they violate my law.


  3. Hawaiian Pizza is never eaten first. The simple reason is that it is impossible to eat imaginary pizza. Pizza does not contain pineapple. The fabled Hawaiian pizza is universally reported to have pineapple on it. Therefore it cannot exist. Fortunately this is good for dieters, as imaginary pizza has zero grams of fat.


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