Go See Serenity, Or I Will Come To Your House and Kill You; a Reasonable Editorial by Sandy Smith

Go See Serenity, the mostest Awesomest movie EVAR, Or I Will Come To Your House and Kill You

So you may whine that there’s been little good at the theater this year. The blockbusters barely demolished a mailbox, let alone a block. That is about to change. Why?

Go See Serenity, the mostest Awesomest movie EVAR, Or I Will Come To Your House and Kill You

Because you are going to see Serenity, and you will love it. How do I know? I know you’ll love it because I’ve seen an advance screening. I know you will go and see it, because otherwise I will come to your house and kill you.

Go See Serenity, the mostest Awesomest movie EVAR, Or I Will Come To Your House and Kill You

Now, I realize you may be saying, “Sandy, threats are not really an effective form of behavior modification, not to mention illegal.” And I grant you that, though I note that silly parody is generally given broad protections. But threats work. After all, Al Quaeda managed to make Spain leave Iraq by just blowing up a mere handful of people and threatening more. They managed to force a theocratic government on the US and removed most Constitutional freedoms from Americans just by threatening more acts of violence.

Go See Serenity, the mostest Awesomest movie EVAR, Or I Will Come To Your House and Kill You

You may also be saying, “Sandy, more people will not see Serenity than you can kill, even if you were a hyper-efficient killing machine like Killdozer, who was so rad and cool and awesome in that one movie.” That is why I will immediately devote my life to two goals: achieving immortality and bringing back people from the dead.

Go See Serenity, the mostest Awesomest movie EVAR, Or I Will Come To Your House and Kill You

Why? I will achieve immortality so I have an infinite amount of time in which to kill everybody who didn’t see Serenity. “Ah,” you object (rather ineffectually), “we’ll die of natural causes before you can kill us.” That is why I will learn how to bring back the dead: so I can kill you. Even dying won’t save you from being killed.

Go See Serenity, the mostest Awesomest movie EVAR, Or I Will Come To Your House and Kill You

So you’ve been warned. Serenity is the coolest thing ever, and seeing it will make you forget how much you hate George Lucas. And it will prevent you from being brought back to life just to be killed again, so you’ve got that going for you.

Go See Serenity, the mostest Awesomest movie EVAR, Or I Will Come To Your House and Kill You

And deep down, isn’t that what we all want? To not be brought back to life just to be killed because we didn’t see a movie we should have seen anyway?

Go See Serenity, the mostest Awesomest movie EVAR, Or I Will Come To Your House and Kill You

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11 Responses to Go See Serenity, Or I Will Come To Your House and Kill You; a Reasonable Editorial by Sandy Smith

  1. Ginger says:

    You are out of control.

  2. Dave-O-Rama says:

    OH MY GOD! WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE! WHO’S FLYING THIS THING? Oh right, that would be me…

  3. Ginger says:

    Speaking of flying things, I saw a total hottie pilot at the bus stop this morning.

  4. el Jeremy (The Jeremy) says:

    Can we choose the mode of death? Because I was going to see Serenity but if the mode of death is to be chased off a rooftop by a gaggle of topless buxom nubiles wearing roller derby helmets, I might try to avoid the movie. Alternatively I would accept being dragged off by what can only be described as “flying spider monkeys” while screaming L. Frank Baum epithets.

  5. Ginger says:

    What would be an example of an L. Frank Baum epithet?

  6. Sandy Smith says:

    No choice. It involves a hook, duct tape, and a water melon. I’ll leave the rest as a surprise.

  7. Serenity in 2000 Words or Less

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